For some unknown reason, my mood was extremely restless today. Nothing happening around me seemed to make any sense. I saw a very old man pulling an extremely heavy load van. Then I saw a very old woman begging for alms. Then I saw a really small kid doing the same thing. And what made me more angrier with myself, was the fact that these people seemed like that they had accepted their fate, they had accepted their condition, and playing the game that destiny had played dealt them with. They were doing the best they could with what they have. Then why the hell do I have to question everything in my life?
Why do I have to keep on cribbing and wallowing and asking for more? Why do I have to be this greedy? I have almost all the amenities and luxuries of a good life. Then why is my soul so restless and unsatisfied? What am I looking for? Will the million questions ever be answered? Why is my faith in Krishna quavering because I don’t see His verdict coming true, because I don’t see any valid proof of His existence anymore? Why am I feeling this need for my faith to be proved? Why am I unable to surrender to Him unconditionally and innocently as I used to? Why can’t I just resign to the fate He has decided for me, and just do my duty, like these people? These people do not think and brood and analyze, or rather over-analyze everything, do they? Then why me? Why can’t I just accept things? Why this craving to know? Why the questions about the origin of the Universe, and the end of time? Why the brooding over the purpose of my existence? Why does the mundane routine, which everyone follows so dutifully- get up, get ready, work, sleep; or in the larger context, to take birth, grow, reproduce, and die, work for me? Why do I feel this cycle of activities to be worthless and useless and downright stupid? Doesn’t every other supposed ‘living’ thing follow the same procedure? The plants, the animals, the insects, the micro-organisms, and even other human beings, then why do I have to question it?
What makes me feel that I will get the answers if I just persist in asking the questions? In today’s world, if loving others unconditionally and doing good for someone are proving to be vices, the biggest weaknesses, even sins that can possibly persist within a human being, why do I have to cherish them and feel guilty and mortified if I decide not to follow them anymore?
I was right you know. I shouldn’t be alive. I don’t deserve to live in this world. I just don’t belong here. I want to go home!!! To Krishna..where everything is simple. Every person is good and simple. No stupid emotional and egoistic complications. Love rules, and not that stupid filmy love - love in its truest form, unconditional and natural and pure love. Nature is peaceful and happy. There is peace and happiness all around, without any reason. There is pure soul-to-soul direct communication between people, without the crutches of mobiles and landlines and facebook and twitter blah blah blah. Where people value each other as human beings, not because some religion or sector or gender. Where basically people know how to be human. And they also respect other living and non-living entities, and not behave as the kings of this planet and claim everything for themselves and inflict pain on the poor creatures. That is my home. And if my faith in Krishna is true, and if He truly loves me, He will make this wish come true. I don’t know how and when, but He will- that I definitely know.